Anyone who knows hip-hop knows that similes are either the 5th, 6th or 7th element of hip-hop, depending on what kind of mood KRS-One is in when he revises the list this week.
But just like all the other elements, the once-mighty simile is not respected like it used to be. Sure, young folks still love comparing themselves to things, but they also prefer to avoid the hassle of expressing a complete thought. So more often than not, nowadays they just blurt out two things that might be clever to compare, without bothering to formulate a sentence around them.
Although (contrary to current perception) he didn’t invent it, today’s top pop rapper Drake is a true master of this abbreviative art:
“Bout to set it off in this b***h. Jada Pinkett.”
“I can teach you how to speak my language. Rosetta Stone.”
“Your city faded off to brown. Nino.
Swimming in the money come and find me. Nemo.
If I was at the club you know I balled. Chemo.”
And yesterday twitter’s hip-hop community paid tribute to Drake’s fondness for abridged analogies, with an all-day onslaught of #fakedrake lyrics. Our secret panel of Terrible Fake Rhyme Analysts has compiled a list of the ten best:
10. Put slugs in your belly. Escargot. @bdetrick 9. If you pull one I’mma Draw Two. Uno. @igo2far 8. Like a good neighbor. State Farm. @ivanrott 7. I run this paper business. Michael Scott. @brokencool 6. I stay with a quarter in my system. Payphone. @stupiddopemoves 5. I was just giving her a ride home. Eddie Murphy. @brokencool 4. Just do it. Nike. @ivanrott 3. Rocawear chancletas. Camel toes. @bdetrick 2. [corporate slogan]. [corporation's name]. @IvanRott 1. You only move grams. Wheelchair. @bdetrick